This weekend was rough. Tyler was away on his golf trip, we had to leave the lake and a birthday party early because Claire was fussing and miserable. 

I feel older after a weekend like this one. 

Claire and I have been having a bit of a tough time lately. She's cranky for a few hours a day, I can't console her. 

I realized that I stopped following her cues, she didn't stop giving them. In the hustle and bustle of being here, going there, doing this, I stopped listening to her. 

We've had such an amazing day so far. I wish I could freeze it in time. She signed when she was all done breakfast. She let me know when she wanted to snuggle and nurse. It was clear when it was nap time. She pointed to the books she wanted to read. 

What a smart little girl she is. I'm trying not to get caught up in the "if only's" of the hours and days we wasted being mad at each other, but rather move forward and really listen. Be more present and watch for her cues. 

Today Claire started saying "Dada" and we had to lower her crib mattress to the lowest setting. 

Where has my baby gone??

Operation "Claire's Birthday Present" has commenced. 

The hardware is sprayed. Now to stain the countertop, assemble, paint the birch parts white and choose a backsplash. 

Andddd I just remembered something I forgot to spraypaint. Shit. 

When I put Claire down for a nap, I will put her in her sleep sack, read a story and then give her a hug and kiss her sweet cheeks and tell her I love her and to have a good nap. 

Lately, she's been hugging back and giving me a kiss before I let her go. She's the sweetest little thing. How can that not make your day?

Claire's personality has really emerged in the last few weeks. She's always been sweet and curious, but lately she's also been very snuggly and loving. She loves doling out hugs and kisses. We snuggles while she nursed and watched Sesame Street this morning and I couldn't help but think "Ahhhhh. This is what it's all about."

She's also quite possibly the biggest ham in history. She gives this HUGE cheesy, nose crinkled, eyes closed because she's smiling so hard grin to make us laugh. It's the sweetest thing ever. Here's a picture of a small one:

Today I arranged for Claire's transition to day care, bought her first birthday present, and cried my eyes out for an hour afterwards.

How is this happening so soon?! She was just born!

That was rough.

Yesterday was a horrible, no good, very bad day.

We all woke up on the wrong side of the bed, Claire was clingy, threw her entire breakfast on the floor, wouldn't let me put her down, got stuck in her high chair, Tyler was cranky, I was cranky, I lost my temper. It.Was.Horrible.

I was getting frustrated with my frustration too. I knew I wasn't responding how I wanted to respond in these situations. All the mantras I found on effective, sensitive parenting that meant so much to me to uphold were somewhere with our good moods. I felt awful. It was just horrible. I don't even know how else to describe it. After a good nap from Claire the day got better, but a cloud hung over me. I felt so guilty for my mood and reactions and for whatever reason was having a really hard time turning it around.

Today is so much better. We all woke up in better moods. Only a minor amount of breakfast was thrown on the floor. A different high chair was used. I was able to calmly handle Claire's minor bout of clinginess with love and understanding.

It is days like that that make me realize how lucky we are that they are so few and far between. It makes me take a step back and remember that in those moments, when I'm doubting myself the most, I am able to act in a loving way. That I am patient. I am capable. We are lucky.

Signs

Last night Claire signed "Puppy" when looking at Khaleesi. I thought it was a fluke but she was doing it again this morning. 

Turns out my half-assed attempt at baby sign language stuck. We're working on the signs for "more" and "all done" too. 

July 19, 2015

Dear Claire;

We had a wonderful day today. Filled with sweet moments I will cherish. Nursing on the new couch, you're watching Sesame Street while holding my arm. I love when you do that. You're getting so grown and busy you don't have a lot of time for things like that. There are far too many blankets to hide behind, toys to throw, and Miss Molly the monkey always needs a kiss or two.

I've been trying really hard to unplug lately. I have 50 days of maternity leave left. The deadline is looming. I want this summer to never end. Thinking about going back to work is really hard on me these days. I feel like I already miss you.

You have been falling asleep during your middle of the night feedings lately. It amazes me that no matter how you have grown, you still looks like the day you were born when you so sweetly lay asleep in my arms. 

We went to the lake this week to visit with grandma. It was an amazing day; playing, lunch, beach, ice cream. 

Today you found your tongue again, like you always do when you're about to get a new tooth. This one has been hard on you, I hope it comes soon. 

 

I love our days. Here's to at least 50 more amazing, blissful ones. 

Love, 

mom